Dexter: Leaping Legend

Last summer at the Panathinaiko Stadium in Athens, Greece, my brother, Dexter, executed one of the most brilliant freestyle walking moves I have ever seen. Unfortunately, I was watching through my camera's viewfinder, so I didn't get to take in the full glory of the breathtaking jump. The upside is that I captured it forever.

A couple of fun things to note in this photo:

• The unbelievable air Dexter is able to get.
• The dramatic posture that he takes (arms up, knees bent, head turned).
• The look of sheer disbelief on the face of the girl who's watching the jump unfold before her.
• The Sellier family in the background preparing to board a minibus.

Consider this: Freestyle walking is not an Olympic sport... yet. But if it was, I believe Dexter would be the man to beat.

Dropped Calls

This past Friday, I was catching up with Sten—my west coast brother from the very same mother—on the phone. After about seven minutes of conversation, the call was dropped. Now, I’m not going to point fingers as to whose fault it was (AT&T or T-Mobile), but the bottom-line is someone’s network failed (T-Mobile’s). I sat there and waited for him to call me back. Nothing. After a few minutes I called him back and he immediately answered saying, “You know, someone really needs to come up with a convention as to whose responsibility it is to make the reconnection after a call is dropped.” And you know what? He’s right.

We began brainstorming.

Should it be the person who is responsible for the call being dropped? No. There may be some confusion as to whose fault it was.
Should it be the person who made the initial call? No. Again, there may be some confusion.
Should it be the oldest person? No. This may not be known.
So what did we decide?

It shall be he whose first name comes first in alphabetical order who is responsible for forging a new connection.

In our case, for example, it would have been Sten (since his name comes alphabetically before “Tobias”).

I encourage everyone who reads this message to embrace this protocol and disseminate it amongst your respective social circles. No longer will you struggle to reconnect with the people from whom you’ve been cut off. No longer will you try and call someone back while they are simultaneously trying to call you—casting both of you into an endless cycle of immediate voicemail greetings (not unlike when you’re trying to get into a locked car and you’re pulling the handle at the same time that the person in the car is hitting the power unlock switch).

Natalie and I Are Engaged!

That's right.

On Saturday night, I asked the lovely Natalie May Beesley to marry me.

After a lovely dinner at Dr. Granville Moore's, we took a cab to the National Mall for a walk amongst the monuments. Walking along the Reflecting Pool en route to the Lincoln Memorial (with a great view of the Washington Monument and the Capitol right behind us), I stopped (when there were no people around), said some special things, and presented her with a ring. She enthusiastically accepted. We then took a cab to the Old Ebbitt Grill where we celebrated with some champagne.

She is now officially my fiancé, which sounds weird to say/write. For the time being, we are affectionately referring to each other as "Beyoncé." It doesn't make any sense, but it comes very easily off the tongue.

We are very, very happy and excited.

New Product Review: Function's "Urban Detox" Beverage -or- Some Things I've Put into My System in Approximately the Last 20 Hours

After rifling (with Natalie) through two Bacardi® and Diet Coke® cocktails and a magnum of Little Penguin® Australian Shiraz (which went nicely with some Tostitos® Organic Yellow Corn Tortilla Chips [and Harris Teeter® Naturals Organic Salsa], a Red Baron® Pizzeria Style™ Thin Crust supreme pizza, and some Lindt® Extra Dark chocolate) last night, I awoke this morning with a modest cheap-wine hangover. A glass of water made me nauseous, a bowl of Kellogg's® Bite Size Frosted Cinnamon Streusel Mini-Wheats® made me less nauseous, and a Sorrento Stringsters® Part Skim Mozzarella String Cheese stick made me ask myself, “Did you seriously just eat string cheese at 8:15 a.m.?”

After getting to my desk and drinking a cup of Eight O’Clock® Coffee, a coworker asked me if I “needed anything from downstairs” (the small deli in our office building). Of course I needed something!

As I perused the cold beverage section, my eyes stopped on a funny little bottle of orangish drink. The brand? "Function." The flavor? "Urban Detox." The label reads: “Help fight hangovers and rid your lungs and sinuses of airborne pollutants using the ‘smog-scrubbing’ anti-oxidant N-acetyl cysteine (NAC) and natural anti-inflammatory prickly pear extract.”

“Now, I’m no scientist,” I thought, “But this certainly sounds like the perfect formula for me this morning! In addition to being a bit hungover, I am also struggling with seasonal allergies. ” So I shelled out $2.52 for the 16.9 fl. oz bottle.

I don’t think it did anything, but—again—I’m not a scientist, so I don’t really know how long N-acetyl cysteine takes to kick in. My best guess? An hour and a half or so.

For lunch, I enjoyed a gourmet burrito bowl at my neighborhood Chipotle Mexican Grill and immediately hedged this bet by taking two Pepto-Bismol® bismuth subsalicylate caplets.

I’m almost out of the woods. And by “out of the woods,” I—of course—mean “to happy hour.”

Costa Rican Vacation

My lovely girlfriend Natalie and I recently returned from a fantastic five-day vacation in Costa Rica. We spent the first two days and nights at the amazing Rafiki Safari Lodge nestled along the Savegre River, and the last three days and nights at Arenas del Mar—a resort hotel on the beach near Manuel Antonio National Park.
Here we present (in no particular order) the top ten best and six worst moments from our trip.
Ten Best

1. Drinking beers at a commune-bar in the sleepy town of Il Silencio. This is very closely related to one of the worst/scariest moments of the trip. We stuck out like the non-palm oil plantation workers that we were… are.
2. Eating a typical breakfast of rice and beans like every morning. Rice and beans (and hot sauce) for breakfast: Who knew!? The Ticas. That’s who.
3. Riding horses to Giovanni’s (Rafiki’s chef) mom’s house in Santo Domingo where she had a very nice lunch set out for us. My horse (whose name was—ironically—“The Tank”) almost broke on the way home. I think he stepped on a jagged rock or something.




4. Seeing monkeys from the golf cart path when we decided to not be lazy and walk down (rather than take a golf cart) to the beach from our hotel. There was a mama with babies on her back… and possibly a monkey fight. We were unable to get quality pictures.
   


5. Swimming in the ocean and enjoying the beach in Manuel Antonio.
   


6. Joining the “Ten Percent Club” at Rafiki. Legend has it that if you go down Rafiki’s 100-foot concrete water slide in the nude, you go 10% faster. I’m not sure if it’s true, but it was certainly fast. It was exhilarating, but I paid the price (more on that later).
7. Seeing a sloth in a distant tree while eating at Agua Azul—the simplest and best restaurant in Manuel Antonio. We later went there for dinner. They had the best chicken fingers I’ve ever had in my life, and I’ve eaten a lot of chicken fingers. I love chicken fingers.



8. This is actually several moments: Juan Carlos—our driver and whitewater rafting guide—was über-excited to showcase the flora and fauna of his country. It was completely normal for him to pull the van off of the road to grab at a leaf (or a berry, or a twig, or a flower) for us to smell. He would earnestly try to explain to us the plant’s use (medicinal or other). During our final ride with Juan Carlos, I strapped on my earphones to listen to tunes and enjoy the scenery. When he would pull the van over, I became kind of annoyed in spite of myself. As I pulled off my earphones, I felt like saying, “What, Juan Carlos!? What is it now!? What does this berry do!?” But I didn’t. I listened and nodded. Natalie was better at feigning interest than I (or she was legitimately interested and I’m just a Philistine who enjoys listening to the Strokes while driving on Costa Rica’s back roads). In all honesty, I commented several times on the trip at how refreshing it is to see tour guides who really care about what they are showing off. They were all so proud.
9. The warm welcome we received at Rafiki. We were starving, slightly traumatized, and generally mixed up upon arrival. I had the pork loin, Natalie the calamari.
   


10. Sitting on our balcony after arriving at Arenas del Mar: enjoying a typical afternoon rain shower and drinking blended mojitoish drinks that we spiked with Bacardi that we brought with us in tiny plastic bottles. Later, we went to dinner and then bought six diet Cokes (to mix with the bottle of Bacardi Reserve [we bought while shopping at the Sky Mall on US Airways]), baked Goldfish© crackers (original flavor), and mixed nuts. The electricity went out in the supermarket for a brief moment before we left.

Six Worst

1. Almost getting washed off of the road and into the Savegre River before our vacation even really began. Just a few kilometers from Rafiki, we encountered a road that was overrun by rapidly flowing water. Our driver—Juan Carlos—almost went for it. He got halfway and then turned back to us and said, “We cannot make it.” So we headed back to the last town—Il Silencio—and kicked it for a bit. Later, Juan Carlos used an alternative route and Constance—the owner of Rafiki—met us along the way and picked us up in a 4x4 truck. The road up to Rafiki was BAD—narrow and flanked on both sides by cliffs that plunged down hundreds of feet. Our relief was short-lived when we began to question; first, Constance’s driving skills and—eventually—his sobriety. Long story short, we made it.
2. The guilt we felt after practicing unsustainable tourism and pretty much ruining Manuel Antonio’s ecosystem by feeding an Iguana four baked Goldfish© crackers (original flavor) from our balcony. On the bright side, he really seemed to enjoy them and was back the next day at roughly the same time. He may still be there… waiting for his free meal. We hope he’s learned to fend for himself again.
   
   


3. Not seeing any animals after paying $10 (each) to walk around Manuel Antonio National Park. We did see a lot of Halloween Crabs, but that’s about it.
   



4. Getting an accidental enema after joining the “Ten Percent Club” at Rafiki. Since I went down the slide naked and at night, I was unable to clench during impact. This resulted in water shooting up into my deuce. This was very uncomfortable. I’m still trying to figure out what club membership entitles me to.
5. Feeling like we weren’t going to get home after our passports (and my iPhone) became permanently locked in our hotel room’s safe. Fortunately, the hotel had a contingency plan: to break out a huge drill bit and annihilate the safe. It wasn’t our fault… seriously. We remembered (and remember) the code. It was 2905. I couldn’t shake the feeling that they harbored resentment toward us for forgetting the code. But we didn’t! The thing just broke! Seriously…
   
6. Smelling the breath on the guy sitting next to me on the final flight we had to take to get home (from Charlotte to Washington DC). It was so bad that when he ate his mini pretzels, I was relieved that it began to smell like poop covered in pretzels.

Over all, it was an amazing experience.

Ten Facts You Will Not Find under a Nantucket Nectars Cap

1. In the winter, Dead Horse Valley is the best place on the island to sled. In the summer, it’s the best place to kill horses.
2. According to Census 2000, 4.1% of Nantucket residents speak Spanish (98% of whom clean homes for a living).
3. Betsy Anderson’s Bearded Collie “Rooter” was commonly known as the mascot of the Nantucket Antheneum (until he had to be put down in 2006 after biting a Japanese tourist).
4. Juice guys Tom and Tom both lost their virginity near Hummock Pond on the same night... to each other.
5. Sankaty Head Lighthouse was the site of a gruesome triple murder in 2004. Neither a motive nor a suspect was ever found.
6. The Nantucket Historical Association Whaling Museum is one of the most boring museums in the country.
7. During the 2007 filming of The Nanny Diaries, two local teenagers totally saw Scarlett Johansson outside of the Nantucket Bake Shop.
8. Legend has it Nantucket’s municipal cemetery is haunted. It’s also where local legend-fabricators gather to drop acid.
9. “Nantucket” means “The Grey Lady” in Algonquian. Shortly after learning this, European settlers finished up eradicating the island of all natives.
10. Emily Cisneros grew up on Brant Point. She’s a huge bitch.

Wade Boggs Lore: True or False?

a) In 1996, Wade Boggs helped the Yankees to their first World Series title in 18 years. It was the first (and only) World Series title earned by Boggs. He memorably celebrated by jumping on the back of an NYPD horse and touring the field with His index finger in the air—despite His self-professed fear of horses.

b) Shortly after his election to the Hall of Fame, in a televised appearance Boggs refuted an urban legend that He had once consumed 64 beers on a cross-country flight from Boston to Los Angeles. He did not divulge the actual number of beers consumed, but did admit to having “a few Miller Lites.”

c) Boggs once hit a chopper to short so hard that it went back in time and was fielded by Honus Wagner... in Pittsburgh. Boggs beat the throw to first.

d) Boggs once broke up a domestic dispute at Fenway. A drunken fan was beating on his wife in the 48th row behind home plate. Boggs' keen sense of hearing picked up on the situation, and He intentionally fouled back a 1-1 split-finger fastball. The man was pronounced dead when they found his head in the peanut guy's box (thirty feet away). When Boggs was asked later if He was sorry, He responded, "Yeah, I'm sorry... Sorry I didn't hit for the cycle today."

e) Boggs ate chicken before every game (Jim Rice once called him "chicken man"), woke up at the same time every day, took exactly 150 ground balls in practice, took batting practice at 5:17, and ran sprints at 7:17.

f) During his playing days, Boggs regularly underwent exploratory surgery to confirm that He was man—not machine. During the final surgery before His retirement, they discovered that His bones were made of adamantium.

g) When asked by a female reporter during an on-camera interview why He decided to go professional in only one sport, Boggs answered, "So that I would have ample time for the ladies, of course." Immediately after answering this question, Boggs made earth-shattering love to the reporter. The resulting video went on to be the bestselling adult film of all time, and the child sired by the encounter was LeBron James.

h) Boggs claimed that His at-bats improved when longtime mistress Margo Adams attended games while not wearing underwear.

i) Recently, Boggs was late-night channel surfing when He came across an episode of "Walker Texas Ranger" on TNT. After thirty seconds, He dismissed the show as "kids stuff," threw in a VHS tape of Game 6 of the 1996 World Series, and asked one of the seven bikini-clad ladies in the room to go down on Him. Later, He went to bed and slept for three days.

j) Boggs never wanted to retire from baseball, rather; the homoeroticism directed at Him in the Devil Rays' locker room became too much for Him to handle. He now happily resides in Tampa, Florida where—for fun—He uses telekinesis to lift heavy objects.

k) Boggs drew the Hebrew word "Chai," meaning "life," in the batter's box before each at-bat, though He is not Jewish.

l) One day—many years ago—Boggs decided to purchase a Corvette. He put on his cape, flew over to the dealership, and picked out a red convertible. When asked how He wanted to pay for the car, He leaned in a whispered something in the salesman's ear. That man went on to invent the iPod (and Boggs went on to shatter the land speed record, pushing His Corvette to 764 mph while running late for batting practice one day).

m) Recently, to win a bet, Boggs called a woman back 50 years* after getting her number to see if she'd remember Him. It turned out that the woman had been dead for several years, but she answered the phone anyway, and was enthusiastic to go on a date. Though not necessarily opposed to sleeping with the un-dead, Boggs refrained in favor of going out for beers with Chris Farley, Joe DiMaggio, and Jack Arute. *Boggs is 49 years old.

n) A 2006 Gallup poll found that 3.6 million people worldwide celebrate Christmas on June 15—the day that in 1958 Boggs sprang forth from His mother. Contrary to popular belief, this was NOT a virgin birth. Approximately nine months earlier, events were set in motion that changed our world forever when Boggs' mother had irresponsible anger-sex with her then boyfriend Bruce Banner.

o) A Red Sox coach once attempted to use a radar gun to clock Boggs' bat speed. With eight weighted donuts on His bat, Boggs took a practice swing while the coach attempted to calibrate the gun. Before exploding in the coach's hand, the gun briefly flashed the infinity symbol. Boggs picked up the coach's severed hand, dusted it off, and saying, "Go in peace, my son," miraculously reattached it.

p) Boggs once impregnated a woman by calling her sexy. What's most amazing is how good she looked immediately after having a hysterectomy.

True (according to Wikipedia): a, b, e, h, and k.
False*: c, d, f, g, i, j, l, m, n, o, and p.

*As of May 14, 2008