Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Life's Too Short: A Case Study

Dave Freeman, who—with his friend Neil Teplica—co-wrote the book 100 Things to Do Before You Die, died on Aug. 17 after falling in his Venice, Calif., home and hitting his head. According to the UK’s Telegraph, Freeman had only done about half of the book’s “things” before he died.

I can’t help but think, “Man… If only someone had written a book to really inspire him to get out there and see those places… I mean… Life’s too short.”

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

May He Who Has Never Delivered a Taekwondo Kick to the Face in a Moment of Frustration Cast the First Stone

On the final day of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, Cuban taekwondo competitor Angel Valodia Matos—after being disqualified from his bronze medal match for taking too much time out to deal with an injury—delivered a kick to the face of referee Chakir Chelbat, prompting immediate public outcry for Matos and his coach to be banned from taekwondo competition for life.

Let me pose this question: Who among us has never delivered a violent martial arts blow to the face of another during a moment of frustration or anger? I will admit—readers—that if I had a nickel for every person whom I have savagely attacked over even the most negligible of disagreements, I would likely have enough money to purchase Lil Wayne’s new album—Tha Carter III.

I find it hard to believe that there’s anyone out there who—in a moment of rage—has never punched a barista at Starbucks in the face, sweep kicked a DMV employee, or eye gouged an auto mechanic. And you know what? In those situations there isn’t even an Olympic bronze medal at stake (rather an Ice Vanilla Brewed coffee, a new driver's license, or rear brake pads to replace the ones that appear to be working JUST FINE)!

It seems to me that once the initial shock of Matos’ regrettable lapse of self-control dissipates, we will all see a glimmer of ourselves in him. Deep down, we all just want everyone else in the world to be sympathetic to our side of the story. We want people to listen to us—to hear us out. And if they aren’t willing to accommodate our demands—no matter how ridiculous they may seem—I find it hard to say that they shouldn’t be karate chopped in the throat.

Something to think about…

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Alison Poole: Rielle or Fake

Alright, let me get this straight:

Rielle Hunter—the woman who was banging out Sen. John Edwards as his wife battled cancer (and may or may not have bore him an illegit son)—used to date author Jay McInerney (Bright Lights, Big City)? Woah.

Apparently, McInerney based a character on her—Alison Poole—for his book Story of My Life. Alison Poole is painted as a cokehead who is morally casual with rich and powerful men. Further, McInerney’s friend Bret Easton Ellis uses the character Alison Poole in two of his books—among them the disturbing portrait of 1980s excess: American Psycho. Even in the film American Psycho, Poole is mentioned. One of Patrick Bateman's soon-to-be-victims says something along the lines of "If you had platinum card, she'd give you a (*bleep*)." Yikes.

So I guess we shouldn’t be too surprised to see Hunter lay down with Edwards—the smooth-drawling senator who made bank as a hotshot trial lawyer in the early 80s. I’d just peg her as being more into Republicans.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Michael Phelps: You Make the Call

Which of the following images is most likely to arouse U.S. Olympic hero Michael Phelps? (There may be more than one correct answer.)

A) This FHM photo of U.S. Olympic swimmer (and July 2007 Playboy cover girl) Amanda Beard:

B) This photo of U.S. Olympic swimmer (Phelps' teammate) Aaron Peirsol:


C) This Googled image of a dolphin leaping out of the water:

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Mary Carillo Touches Yao Ming

Mary Carillo is really manish.

For some reason I’ve been getting uncomfortable during her on-the-street segments during NBC’s coverage of this year’s Olympics. In her last piece, she prowled about the streets of Beijing in Wrangler-looking jeans and a tucked in man-blouse looking for really gross cuisine. She was served cow stomach in a hotpot and snacked on scorpion on a stick from a street vendor. She’s gross. That’s gross. Gross.

This morning, I woke up a bit early to catch the USA men’s basketball “Redeem Team” face off against pseudo-rival Greece. Prior to tip-off, NBC aired a teaser for a Mary Carillo/Yao Ming one-on-one interview. The clip went something like this:

Mary Carillo: So, you’ve become something of an icon here in China…
Yao Ming: Like a panda?
MC: Well, people constantly want to see you, to touch you…
YM: (*giggling bashfully*) To touch me?

I’m still not sure whether I dreamed this, but the whole thing was surreal and in some strange way… homoerotic.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Life Tastes Sadder with KFC

A thought:

There's nothing wrong with going to KFC, but there is something wrong with looking like you belong there.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Break(-Dance) in Case of Emergency

In the lobby of Natalie’s building, I noticed this sign:

I began thinking about emergencies that would prompt me to call Mario Lopez. Here’s what I’ve got:

  • I need to borrow a pair of elastic-waist stonewashed jeans.
  • I need a last-minute partner for a contrived all-male dance-off to save my favorite diner/hangout.
  • I need someone to watch my lizard for the weekend.
  • I’m casting a stage version of Greg Louganis’ autobiography Breaking the Surface.
  • I’m having trouble embracing my Mexican heritage.
  • My band is performing a version of Michael Bolton’s “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” and the drummer (or lead male vocalist) has called in sick.

Any others?

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Doin' Time

This morning as I walked out the door for work, I grabbed the wrong keys.

To explain: When I go running, I carry a subset of my keys--solely the ones I need to get into my apartment. They are on a separate key ring and detach from my full key set. Anyhow, this morning I grabbed the full key set sans the keys to my apartment. As I walked out the door, I locked it behind me. As I took the two steps to the steel gate that keeps troublemakers from kicking down my door, I pulled the keys out of my pocket and realized that I wouldn't be able to unlock the gate.

So there I was--in a five by five vestibule/cell--surrounded by mosquitoes. Fortunately, I was able to get a hold of my ex-landlord's ex-boyfriend and--within ten minutes--he was able to come and bail me out before the mosquitoes were able to do too much damage.
I was 15 minutes late for work, but my boss didn't mind. He found the story hilarious.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

A Special Message from the Department of Office Redundancy Department

At my office, we are only allowed to use the old, stained, chipped coffee cups. The new, white, nice ones are for guests only. Apparently some of my coworkers have been using the guest cups for their morning cups of joe--prompting this mildly funny sign to be posted in the kitchen.