Thursday, December 3, 2009


The other day I was stopped at a stoplight and I saw a homeless man sifting through a trashcan. After a few seconds of searching, he popped his head up, gathered his stuff, and walked away empty-handed.
I couldn't help but think, "Sometimes one man's trash is another man's trash."

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Benjamin Franklin Quotes for the New Economy

-"Honesty is the best policy, unless you want to get exorbitantly rich in which case your policy should include a healthy dose of dishonesty."
-"He that waits upon fortune, is never sure a dinner. So if you’re hungry, you’d better get moving. That Ponzi scheme isn't going to start itself."
-"Certainty? In this world nothing is certain but death and finding creative ways to underpay taxes."
-"An investment in knowledge pays the best interest. Plus you got laid off so grad school probably makes sense for you right now."
-"Judging by my 401k, a penny saved is basically nothing."

Thursday, November 5, 2009

NBA Star Ginobili: “I am a vampire”

Highlights from San Antonio Spurs guard Manu Ginobili's Nov. 5 prepared statement:

"Some will say that my coming out as a vampire is brave and that I'm a hero to young basketball-playing vampires all over the world. To that I say, no. I'm no hero. But I do have a message to the handful of other vampires in the NBA who keep their ancient curse to themselves: Join me. Step out of your dark shadow and embrace your savage destiny. I've come to find out that with medication I can control my blood-lust, and by discreetly feeding on stray animals and vagrants, I can remain as nondescript a member of society as any NBA star.”

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Opinion: This Restaurant's Bathroom Smells Like Kool-Aid

I don't know what the deal is, but this restaurant's bathroom smells like Kool-Aid.

I'm talking about the smell of tearing open a packet of the original cherry flavor mix. So good! I'm not sure what kind of air freshener this restaurant is using, but it's flat-out amazing. It's time for more restaurants to follow this one's lead and scent their bathrooms like cherry Kool-Aid.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Top 5 Sexual Fantasy Football Draft Picks

1. Adrian Peterson in a catholic schoolgirl's uniform.
2. Michael Turner ball-gagged.
3. Maurice Jones-Drew in a bunny costume.
4. Larry Fitzgerald as your best friend's wife.
5. Tom Brady.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Movie Review: Doubt

My gut tells me it was a good movie, but... I'm just not completely sure.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Potbelly Back-and-Forth

Potbelly Sandwich Works, Washington, D.C., 1:30 p.m.

Sandwich Maker #1: Did you go to that concert last night?
Sandwich Maker #2: What concert?
Sandwich Maker #1: U2... I've never heard of them.
Sandwich Maker #2: No. I didn't go. U2? I've never heard of them either. What kind of music is it?
Sandwich Maker #1: Punk rock.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Bathroom Humor: Bar Pilar, Washington, D.C.

"I wrote on this wall. Take that Society!"

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

So Long, Good Buddy

Today I said goodbye to my good buddy Bandit. It's hard to believe that we welcomed him into our family in 1994, just a couple days before I started my freshman year of high school.

Since he's featured in the masthead above, I guess you could say he was this blog's unofficial mascot.

Bandit lived a long happy life. We're talking really happy. For a while, he shared a room with my brother Dexter and slept in his very own twin bed. Also, my mom would microwave his food before serving it to him. I'm still not quite sure how he communicated to her that he liked it warmed up.

Anyhow, it was good to see him at peace today.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Family Planning?

I can understand how one could argue for condoms being logically shelved in CVS's"family planning" section...

...but I'm really curious to know the role of a "Vibrating Mini Personal Massager" in the family planning process.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Your Jumper is Garbage

The brilliant minds behind the NBA City theme-restaurant in Orlando, Fla., thought it would be a sweet idea to put basketball hoops over the trashcans in the restrooms. In other news, the restaurant's janitors think the trash hoops are stupid.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Ironic Terrorist Sect Threatens Minneapolis’s Target Center

Michael Jackson Limerick Contest Winner

And the winner is...

There once lived a singer fantastic
Who had a face made all of plastic.

Though that fact he denied

'til the day that he died

His face morph since Thriller was drastic.

Massive respect, winner. Shoot me an e-mail and I'll arrange getting you your Vintage Vantage tee.
Thanks for playing, everyone. Stay tuned for more upcoming contests.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Michael Jackson Limerick Contest FINALISTS

Nice job, everyone, on the limericks. Impressive. It was really tough to pick four finalists, so I picked five. Please cast your vote (over to the right) by COB Tuesday (and then go ahead and head home for the day). Remember, the winner gets a tee shirt of his or her choice from Vintage Vantage.

A feminine black man made hits
In the 80s and plus a few since
Embraced by the gays
He loved purple berets
oh shit I'm thinking of prince

There once was a singer called Jacko,
Who was more than a little bit wacko...
He sang for the planet,
Had a sister called Janet,
And at half time she showed us her rack-o!

There once was a spawn of Joe Jackson
Who looked far less Nubian than Saxon
How lunarly he did walk
Despite a complexion of chalk
In peace may he now be relaxin'

There once lived a singer fantastic
Who had a face made all of plastic.
Though that fact he denied
'til the day that he died
His face morph since Thriller was drastic.

The most famous pop icon of all
Gave us "Thriller", "Bad" and "Off the Wall".
And, though, later he did
Take long "naps" with young kids,
These are facts we choose not to recall.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Michael Jackson Limerick Contest

In order to pay tribute to one of the greatest performers of all time, I call upon all my friends out there to craft Michael Jackson limericks and post them as comments on this post. They can be funny, sentimental, or straight up weird, but let's try to be somewhat respectful and keep the shots above the belt. If you don't know what a limerick is, pull yourself together and go here.

Here's an example:

There once was a talent from Gary
Who sang and who danced oh so merry.
They called him the King,
And to him they’d cling.
Some fans he had bordered on scary.

Feel free to submit as many as you'd like between now and 11:59 p.m. on Wednesday, July 8. Like I did with the photo caption contest, I'll pick my four favorites and put it to a vote. The author of the winning limerick gets a tee shirt of his or her choice courtesy of the good people at I highly recommend this one.

So get to it, fools.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

"Do you have change for a dollar?"

There’s nothing more inconvenient than being at a bar at 1:30 a.m. and not having access to personal products such as condoms and temporary tattoos.

Photo taken in the men’s room of Art’s Tavern in Glen Arbor, Mich.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

'Extreme Sitting' to be Featured as a Sport at 2012 Summer Olympic Games in London

Michigan extreme sitter Pete Cowictz trains to represent the U.S. in London at the 2012 Summer Olympic Games.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Glacéau Announces "Stupid Water"

Glacéau—the maker of Vitamin Water and Smart Water—today announced a new addition to its line of fancy dranks. Stupid Water features the exact same formula as Smart Water with the exception that the electrolytes have been swapped out for salt (35 grams worth in a one-liter bottle).

“We figured that Glacéau owes it to its customers to offer a product that serves as a natural counterbalance to Smart Water,” said Glacéau spokesperson Chim Sandoval, “Stupid Water is that product.”

Glacéau neither confirms nor denies rumors that this summer it will be releasing Toxin Water to serve as a counterbalance to Vitamin Water.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Daniel Snyder Prepares for Second Demonstration of "Powerful Weather Manipulation Device"

REDSKINS PARK, LOUDOUN COUNTY, VA. -- After successfully conducting an initial demonstration in Irving, Texas, Redskins owner Daniel Snyder has announced tentative plans to carry out a second demonstration of what he’s calling a "powerful weather manipulation device".

Built by an elite team of meteorologists, electrical engineers, and mad scientists in the basement of his Potomac, Md., mansion, Snyder says the device has been "improved and amplified" since its May 1 test run. According to sources close to Snyder, the second demonstration will either take place in East Rutherford, N.J., or Willingsboro, N.J.

An Irving, Texas building damaged by the May 1 test of Snyder's weather manipulation device.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Monday, April 27, 2009

Pig Flu: A Question

Isn't "pig flu" the past tense of something that's never supposed to happen?

Friday, April 24, 2009

Suggested (More Appropriate) Names for "Hour Eyes"

  • Two or Three Hours Eyes
  • Probably By Noon Tomorrow Eyes
  • We Apologize for the Inconvenience Eyes
  • Had the Lab Technician Not Left for the Day, Your Glasses Would have been Ready in an Hour Eyes
  • No, That’s Not a Lab Technician Surfing the Internet Back There; That’s a Sales Associate Eyes
  • Well, Sometimes the Sales Associates Wear Lab Jackets Eyes
  • I Don’t Know Why, Sir, I’m Just the Receptionist Eyes

Friday, April 10, 2009

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Groundbreaking Study out of the University of Awesome: Liquor before Beer, You’re in the Clear; Liquor after Beer, You’re in the Clear

The Tyler Durden Paradox

By verbally articulating the rules that govern its existence, is one not violating the first two rules of Fight Club?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Opinion: Too many Americans are at risk of accidentally ‘Plaxico Burressing’ themselves

On November 28, 2008, NFL wide receiver Plaxico Burress accidentally shot himself in the leg while up in the club. The gun he was toting in his sweatpants misfired and tore through skin and muscle in his right thigh. This is certainly a tragedy in and of itself, but as more and more copycat accidents begin to come to light, it seems that this was not just an isolated freak accident but, rather, a disturbing new trend. In fact, on Tuesday a barista at a Starbucks one block from my apartment Plaxico Burressed himself in the leg while on the job.

This is hitting too close to home. Something needs to be done.

I recommend a multifaceted approach to protect Americans from the danger of mistakenly Plaxico Burressing themselves:
  1. Community-level law enforcement needs to step up and look for warning signs. Police should engage all people wearing loose/saggy sweatpants (especially if they are up in the club or making drinks at Starbucks) in order make sure that—if they are strapped—they have their weapon safely secured with the safety turned on.

  2. Congress needs to introduce and pass comprehensive legislation outlining a no-tolerance approach for those who Plaxico Burress themselves in public. Legislation should include a mandatory fine along with a one-year suspension from the NFL and/or Starbucks locations.

  3. The NFL and Starbucks need to join together and launch a “Be Cool: Don’t Plaxico Burress Yourself” advertising campaign aimed at the nation’s youth.

I’m sure there are other things that could be done, too.

The bottom line is that this is America, and we all have the right to rock guns in our sweatpants. We don’t, however, have the right to be in danger of Plaxico Burressing ourselves. After all, if it can happen to Plaxico Burress and a Starbucks barista right down the street, it can happen to you and your loved ones.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

President Obama Raps New Budget Blueprint to the Tune of Jay-Z’s Album "The Blueprint"

WASHINGTON, D.C., Feb. 26, 2009 – This morning, before the White House press corps, President Obama unveiled a more than $3 trillion budget plan by rapping it to the tune of Jay-Z’s seminal album “The Blueprint.” As the president delivered his flow—which included scorching hot lyrics targeting health care, education, and renewable energy—hard copies of the 140-page plan were distributed to Congress.

When asked after the performance as to whether he’ll be releasing another “Blueprint” or proceeding directly to a comprehensive plan—tentatively dubbed “The Barack Album”—the president said that he isn’t quite sure, but has even considered walking away from the game altogether for a while and then coming back—seemingly out of nowhere—with a ridiculously hot budget plan.

Tracks on the president’s new budget blueprint included, “The Ruler’s Black,” “Bank Takeover,” “U Don’t Know (How Bad America Needs Affordable Health Care),” and “All I Need (is Bipartisan Support to Fund Education Reform).”

Sad Clown Frowning on the Outside but Laughing Maniacally on the Inside

Friday, February 20, 2009

Goodbye, Old Friend

You know…

They say you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet.

Today I learned that you have to tear down a huge tree in the courtyard of the Washington Hilton to crowd in a new building.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

One on One with 'Slumdog Millionaire' Star Dev Patel

TOBY OR NOT TOBY: Dev, thanks a lot for taking time out to talk with us.
DEV PATEL: No problem.
TONT: So… Wow... Slumdog Millionaire's up for, what, ten Oscars this year?
DP: Yes, ten. We’re really excited that so many people are responding to the film.
TONT: I bet. When you read the script and agreed to be a part of the project, did you have any idea that it would see this kind of critical acclaim?
DP: Honestly, no. I thought it was a great script and I was excited to work with Danny Boyle, but I didn't...
TONT: I mean, let’s be honest, the movie isn’t that good.
DP: I'm sorry?
TONT: You know what I mean... It’s kind of got that cheesy, manipulative, rags-to-riches thing going on. It’s kind of... I don’t know… Impotent.
DP: I’m not sure I know what you mean… I...
TONT: Well, the love story is kind of hackneyed and the whole fable is a little too cutesy.
DP: ...
TONT: Did you see The Wrestler? That was sick. Rourke’s performance is off the chain. (The Curious Case of) Benjamin Button was ok I guess. I felt like, going in, I knew what was going to happen, but I still had to pay $10 to sit there for almost three hours and actually see it happen. It was like watching a really long trailer. You know what I’m saying? And I haven’t seen Milk yet, but I’m really fired up to check it out. I heard it’s really good. Maybe I’ll do that this weekend if the weather's bad. Do you ever go to the movies when the weather's good? I do that sometimes and it makes me feel kind of guilty—like I’m not making the most of a good day. But, it’s like, sometimes I’d rather go see a movie than throw around a Frisbee or something, you know?
DP: ...
TONT: Do you play Ultimate? I have a lot of friends who are really into it. It seems kind of nerdy to me. I don’t really know why, but whenever I walk past a field and I see a bunch of bandana-headed dudes playing, I’m always like, “Man, those guys are losers.” You don’t get that with many other sports. Ultimate’s like the Dungeons and Dragons of athletic activities.
DP: ...
TONT: ...
DP: ...
TONT: Dev, man, thanks so much for chatting with us.
DP: ...