Tuesday, December 30, 2008

“I’m all out…”

Yesterday, I was grabbing a cup of coffee at a major international coffee retailer. As the scruffy young man at the register handed me the piping hot cup, I realized that it didn’t have one of those cardboard sleeves. I looked around for a second before showing him my cup and asking,

“Excuse me, can I grab a sleeve for this?”

With compunction on his face, he said, “I’m sorry, I’m all out of sleeves,” before giving me an extra insulation-cup.


As I walked away, his words replayed in my head. “I’m all out of sleeves.” I thought, “Is he really out of sleeves, or is this particular location of this major international coffee retailer out of sleeves? Even if he is the shift manager, I’m not totally sure that those are his sleeves.”

As I enjoyed my coffee, I reflected on the phenomenon of service professionals taking ownership of their product, and realized that this guy is not alone. There are others: waiters (“I’m sorry, I’m all out of the tilapia”), Foot Locker refs (“I’m sorry, I’m all out of the Air Max Court Executioner in a 12”), 7-11 cashiers (“I’m sorry, I’m all out of Fiesta Chicken Go-Go Taquitos”), and Banana Republic associates (“I’m sorry, I’m all out of the Charleston brown Relaxed Dawson Chino in 34x32”).

It seems to me that it would be smarter for these folks to pass the buck and say something like, “Yeah, our buyer Steve is constantly dropping the ball. I apologize for his negligence.”

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Caption Contest Winner

Congratulations to the winner of the caption contest. Since I know who you are (and what's good for you), I'm guessing that I don't have to hook you with an Amazon.com gift certificate. I'm sure a burger and beers on me at our favorite spot will do. Massive respect, brah.

After being spotted by the authorities in Dubai,
the offenders were sentenced to death by caking.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Things an Old Fashioned Pretzel Would Say

"Honey Mustard flavored!? In my day it was salt or no salt. End of story."
"Preservatives preschmervatives."
"You shouldn't be dipping us in anything. You either eat us or you don’t."
"I remember when you used to be able to get a whole sack of us for a nickel."
"Pretzels shouldn’t go living together before they’re married."

Friday, December 19, 2008

Caption Contest Finalists!

Very nice work, everyone.

I was only able to narrow it down to four finalists. Now it's up to you guys. Vote on your favorite (over on the right) by 11:59 p.m. eastern time on Monday, Dec. 22.

Here are the choices:

Double Stack
“Long John Silver's launches new "Double Stacked" menu option!”

Opting Against the HJ
“Mark wisely opted against a hand job.”

Dubai Caking
“After being spotted by the authorities in Dubai, the offenders were sentenced to death by caking.”

Office of Marine Gettin’ It On
“Barak Obama's short list for the newly formed ‘Office of Marine Gettin' It On’"

Honorable mention goes to: "OOOHHH, you're so hard!" and "...and when Kevin looked back at the single set of footprints in the sand he said, 'God, where were you the times i needed you most?' To which steve replied,'I'm not God, asshole,and you're not dead! You fainted and shat yourself back there when the seagull swooped down at us, and I've been carrying your lucky ass since.'"


Monday, December 15, 2008

GM Employs Alternative Recovery Strategy

Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2008 – The office of Senate Banking, Housing, and Urban Affairs Ranking Member Richard Shelby (R-AL) has confirmed that on Friday—as the senator walked out of the Hart Senate Office Building—General Motors President and CEO Rick Wagoner approached him and asked for some spare change. Initial reports indicate that Wagoner was dressed in an old coat, wearing a costume beard, and smoking a cigarette butt that he had found on the ground. The suspicious senator asked what he needed change for—at which time Wagoner rattled off a shaky story about needing to scrape together enough money to buy a bus ticket to visit his sick cousin up in Baltimore.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Photo Caption Contest

Drop a witty caption for this photo in the comments by 11:59 p.m. eastern time on Thursday, December 18.

The best one will win a $20 gift certificate to Amazon.com. It's that simple, people.

Photo courtesy of the lovely Natalie.

O.J. Simpson Sentenced to Prison for Something Other Than Killing Two People

See the incredible true story at SI.com.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Illinois Governor Blagojevich is Taken into Custody

CHICAGO, Ill., Dec. 9, 2008 - According to state law enforcement officials, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has been taken into federal custody. Though the exact reason for his detainment remains unknown, a source within the U.S. Attorney’s office for the state's Northern District says that the office’s director, U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald, has been asking a lot of questions lately about how Gov. Blagojevich “gets his hair to swoop like that.”

Monday, December 8, 2008

I Wish It Were Sunday Because That's My Funday, An I-Don't-Have-to-Run Day

Nothing says "I may have had a bit too much to drink yesterday while watching three consecutive football games" like forgetting to wear a belt to work on Monday (the one day out of the week that you regularly meet with your organization's CEO).

Friday, December 5, 2008

New Jersey Scientist Discovers Life on Mars

PASSAIC, N.J., Dec. 5, 2008 - Earlier this week, while cruising through his extensive catalogue of TiVoed-but-yet-to-be-watched programs, Passaic, N.J., physiologist Eugene Melowictz discovered ABC’s television series Life on Mars. After watching the first episode of the sci-fi/crime drama, which originally aired Oct. 9, Melowictz was reportedly hooked.

“It’s really, really good. Kind of weird, but really good,” Melowictz told a coworker the day after his discovery. “And Harvey Keitel is awesome. I'll probably be able to watch the rest of the episodes in the next few days here and be caught up by the weekend.”

Most of Melowictz's colleagues expressed tempered excitement about his discovery as well as concern that he may be a very sad, very lonely man.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Source: President-elect Obama Finalizes Cabinet Selection and Installation Timeline

CHICAGO, Ill., Dec. 2, 2008 – After two weeks of unenthusiastic exchanges with his wife, Michelle, and several conversations with Washington D.C.-area contractors, President-elect Barack Obama has finalized his cabinet selection and installation timeline.

“We’re going to go with cinnamon birch,” said the president-elect as he walked to a car outside his Chicago transition office. “The doors will be Roman arched veneer with recessed panels. Michelle and I are thrilled.”

A source within the Obama transition team says the chosen contractor will be visiting the White House just a few days after the Obama family’s move-in, and the project should be completed by President’s Day.

An artist's rendition of the president-elect's cabinet selection.