Thursday, June 5, 2008

New Product Review: Function's "Urban Detox" Beverage -or- Some Things I've Put into My System in Approximately the Last 20 Hours

After rifling (with Natalie) through two Bacardi® and Diet Coke® cocktails and a magnum of Little Penguin® Australian Shiraz (which went nicely with some Tostitos® Organic Yellow Corn Tortilla Chips [and Harris Teeter® Naturals Organic Salsa], a Red Baron® Pizzeria Style™ Thin Crust supreme pizza, and some Lindt® Extra Dark chocolate) last night, I awoke this morning with a modest cheap-wine hangover. A glass of water made me nauseous, a bowl of Kellogg's® Bite Size Frosted Cinnamon Streusel Mini-Wheats® made me less nauseous, and a Sorrento Stringsters® Part Skim Mozzarella String Cheese stick made me ask myself, “Did you seriously just eat string cheese at 8:15 a.m.?”

After getting to my desk and drinking a cup of Eight O’Clock® Coffee, a coworker asked me if I “needed anything from downstairs” (the small deli in our office building). Of course I needed something!

As I perused the cold beverage section, my eyes stopped on a funny little bottle of orangish drink. The brand? "Function." The flavor? "Urban Detox." The label reads: “Help fight hangovers and rid your lungs and sinuses of airborne pollutants using the ‘smog-scrubbing’ anti-oxidant N-acetyl cysteine (NAC) and natural anti-inflammatory prickly pear extract.”

“Now, I’m no scientist,” I thought, “But this certainly sounds like the perfect formula for me this morning! In addition to being a bit hungover, I am also struggling with seasonal allergies. ” So I shelled out $2.52 for the 16.9 fl. oz bottle.

I don’t think it did anything, but—again—I’m not a scientist, so I don’t really know how long N-acetyl cysteine takes to kick in. My best guess? An hour and a half or so.

For lunch, I enjoyed a gourmet burrito bowl at my neighborhood Chipotle Mexican Grill and immediately hedged this bet by taking two Pepto-Bismol® bismuth subsalicylate caplets.

I’m almost out of the woods. And by “out of the woods,” I—of course—mean “to happy hour.”