'Explosives' Again Tops Recent TSA List of Things Not to Wear through Security Scans

War is not The Answer

Florida Tourism Board Launches New Ad Campaign

After Putting off Gastrografin Enema for Years, Hypochondriac ‘Kind of Disappointed’ She Doesn’t Have Diverticulitis

If Avandia Killed You, You May be Entitled to Money

Parents of “Player to be Named Later” Finally Choose a Name: David Evan Jacobs

MBA Candidate Performs SWOT Analysis of Girlfriend during Class

Seattle Cartoonist Receives Cartoonish Death Threats

After portraying the Prophet Mohammed in a recent cartoon, Seattle cartoonist Molly Norris has been targeted for assassination by radical al Qaeda cleric Anwar al-Awlaki. In the article that ran in Inspire, an English-language al Qaeda magazine, al-Awlaki calls for a giant anvil to be dropped on Norris or for someone to deliver her a bouquet of flowers containing lit sticks of TNT. At press time, Norris has not commented, but it is rumored that when she first heard about the threats she jumped up in the air and her eyes popped out of her head.

Billy Joel Finally Admits that He Did Start the Fire: Indicted on Arson Charges

A Recent Poll of Everyone in the World Confirms Denise Robinson’s Assertion that Skittles are the Best Candy in the World

Man Undergoes Controversial, Marginally Successful Surgery to Have Frown Turned Upside-down

Before

After

Chester Cheetah Admits to Barbara Walters in 20/20 Tell-all Interview that "It's actually quite easy being cheesy."

Apple Releases iPad Armband

Chris Sabo Named Greatest Third Baseman of All-Time by Chris Sabo

Man Eats Hummus at Party Just to Look Cool

Rob Eldridge doesn’t like hummus. He doesn’t like the way it tastes. He doesn’t like the way it smells. He doesn’t like its texture. He doesn’t even like triangle-sliced pita bread, but when he approached the snack table at his buddy Derrick’s party on Saturday night and locked eyes with the gorgeous brunette standing there—alone—holding a huge glass of Pinot grigio, he knew he had an important decision to make. The meatballs looked good—real good, but they would be messy and out him as a boorish Philistine. Going for the crudités would flag him as health-conscious but slightly feminine. And then he saw it. Hummus. He put down his Heineken, spooned himself a dollop, and artfully tonged four pita slices onto his little plate. He shot a glance at the girl before decisively sliding the first bite into his mouth. He wiped his mouth with a napkin and stepped closer to her. “How’s the Pinot?” he asked.

New Merriam-Webster Rhyming Dictionary Only Defines the Word "Rhyming"

The American Mixed Metaphor Association (AMMA) Vows to Keep Its Ear to the Grindstone in 2010

Violence Erupts in Kyrgyzstan, Prompting Worldwide Confusion as to How to Pronounce "Kyrgyzstan"

'Details' Magazine to be Purchased by 'Nonspecifics' Magazine

Buzz Lightyear: “I may have bit off more than I can chew trying to get beyond infinity”

Facebook Tortures Jennifer Aniston by Constantly Suggesting that She Friend John Mayer, Vince Vaughn and Brad Pitt

CytoSport Launches “Cartilage Milk” for People Trying to Build Ear, Nose and Rib Cage Mass

Jay-Z Finally Admits that a Bitch is to Blame for Six or Seven of His 99 Problems

Opinion: A Master's degree is just a piece of paper...

...that I put in an agarwood frame and mount conspicuously on the wall in my corner/city-view office at my new job where I make three times what I made two years ago. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to hop on a conference call with Gerrit Zalm.

McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish Fish Found Dead in West Hollywood Apartment

“Frankie the Fish”—the singing salesfish for the McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish sandwich—was found dead early Thursday morning in his West Hollywood, Calif., apartment. TMZ is reporting that Frankie was seen late Wednesday night making a "Dollar Menu" run after hanging at swank Hollywood nightclub The Viper Room with Ashley Olsen, Steve-O, and Pete Doherty. Frankie skyrocketed to fame in 2009 largely due to a wildly popular series of Lenten Filet-O-Fish sandwich commercials. He also starred in several independent films including This Fish's Life and Don't Worry, Be Happy: The Story of Big Mouth Billy Bass. His school, which resides in a pond outside of Morton, Miss., has asked for privacy as they mourn their loss. Frankie was three years old.

Health-Care Reform is Done for Now... What's Next?

The nation’s rich are concerned that—now that legislation has passed making affordable health insurance available to an estimated 95 percent of non-elderly citizens—Congress will turn its attention to legislation aiming to make access to country clubs more affordable for the middle class.

Frito-Lay Study Disproves Link between Cheetos Dust and Orange Fingers

Sports: Redskins Taking a Hard Look at Blowing a Draft Pick

According to Head Coach Mike Shanahan, the Redskins still have a lot of options on the table, but the team is "certainly considering crumbling up a second round draft pick and tossing it in the trash."

Inventor Builds Time Machine to Get Supervisor Deliverable He Needed on His Desk "Yesterday"

Area Man Extremely Embarrassed to Ask Attractive Banana Republic Associate if There are Any More Extra Small Stretch Pima Cotton Briefs in the Back

Opinion: I'm Not Scared of the Dark

I'm not sure who got this rumor going, but it's not true.

I'm NOT scared of the dark!

Don't get me wrong, there have been times in my life when I've been spooked, and--yes--some of those times have involved darkness, but it's completely unfair to make sweeping statements about what I am and am not scared of.

There are certainly dicey things out there in the dark, such as: robbers, murderers, ghouls, and things to trip over. I AM scared of those things, but not the darkness in which they reside. Thank you.

"Excuse me, sir..."

When members of the Greenpeace Street Team stop me on the street to ask me if I have a minute to talk about the environment, I like to ask them if they have a minute to talk about model airplanes.

From the Department of Redundancy Department

This ATM machine is "out of service (will not dispense cash)". My question is: Will it continue to dispense Jujyfruits and SuperBalls? Further, how can one make a deposit with the screen covered up?

I said "ATM machine" on purpose (see entry title).

Drew Brees Glad Son was 'Earmuffed' When He Exclaimed, "I can't believe we won the fucking Super Bowl!"

Thick or Thin?

The New York Times is catching some flack for two of its recent blog entries calling out “Mad Men” actress Christina Hendricks for looking “big” at the Golden Globes on Sunday. The Times also (inadvertently) ran an altered photo of Hendricks that made her look a bit thick. I’m surprised that there hasn't been similar outcry over recent comments regarding Philip Seymour Hoffman's slenderness.