Friday, January 30, 2009

ILC Releases 2019 U.S. Coloration Projection

Washington, D.C., Jan. 30, 2009 – The Institute for Landmass Coloration (ILC) today released its ten-year coloration projection for the United States. According to the ILC, in the year 2019, most of the continental U.S. will be purple, bluish-green or light blue. Some coastal areas in California will be red, while pretty much the entire state of Hawaii will be yellow.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Huge Particle Collider Probably Won’t Destroy the World This Summer

Geneva, Switzerland, Jan. 28, 2009 – An international team of physicists working on the Large Hadron Collider (LHC)—the world’s largest particle collider—are “like 99 percent sure” that when the device is switched on this summer, it won’t create a huge black hole that sucks up all matter around it—setting in motion a catastrophic chain of events ultimately leading to the end of the world.

“Yeah, I mean, most of our models are showing us that once the black holes are created, they’ll only last for like a second,” said physicist and project contributor Doug Lachowicz. “They probably won’t have too much time to join together and suck up matter before they peace out. Honestly, we’re really psyched to see what happens.”

The physics community at large seems to agree with Lachowicz’s assessment. Once tiny black holes are created by way of opposing particle beams fired at each other around a 17-mile track beneath the Franco-Swiss border, they will probably just disappear and not combine together, creating a large, uncontrollable black hole that swallows up everything in its path: the earth, the solar system, possibly more.

“This is huge,” said Lachowicz with a big smile on his face. “It’s completely unexplored territory. We can’t wait to fire this baby up. I’m betting that some crazy shit goes down and—using all of our instruments—we’ll be able to like study the results and learn a bunch of stuff about the universe. It’s gonna be tight.”

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A Thought on Snow

They say that snow is God's dandruff...
And, you know what, that really makes sense to me since God's dandruff shouldn't taste like regular dandruff.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Seven Things I Wouldn't Wish on My Worst Enemy

(In no particular order)

1. Success
2. Luck
3. Health
4. Happiness
5. Wealth
6. Love
7. A Wolferman's Deluxe Breakfast Sweets Sampler Basket

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Obama Family Plans to Get Out of DC for Inauguration Weekend

Washington, D.C., Jan. 15, 2009 – In response to predictions of up to 3 million people flocking to Washington, D.C. for inauguration weekend, President Elect Barack Obama and his wife have decided to “take the kids and get out of town for a long weekend.”

“It’s going to be a mess,” Obama said to a reporter outside of the Hay-Adams Hotel (his family’s temporary home), “People are going to be everywhere. I’m also hearing that there may be some wintry weather. Yikes. And you know the Metro system's gonna fail.”

The Obamas had planned to take the Metro from McPherson Square to Federal Center SW to join in the inauguration festivities, but—instead—they are going to pack up the car and go skiing. “We’re thinking Pennsylvania—either Ski Liberty or Whitetail. We’re not really sure yet,” said Obama, grinning ear to ear, “I mean, shoot, with the money we made renting our suite here at the hotel out on Craigslist, we could probably head out to Utah or Colorado!”

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Sex Offender Wins Lottery Aiming to Benefit Victims of Sex Offenders

In Alaska, a man twice convicted for sexual abuse of a minor won a $500,000 jackpot in a lottery organized to raise money for victims of sexual abuse.

According to my own speculation, the winner--Alec Ahsoak (dramatized right)--plans to use a good chunk of his winnings to buy a white windowless Ford Econoline van, a new Members Only jacket, and a s#it-ton of balloons and lollipops.

Check out the story at

Friday, January 9, 2009

"My relationship with Jesus? Well, it all started with Tim Tebow's eye black."

Let me just start by saying I've about had it up to here with Tim Tebow (I've got my hand right up around eye-level). He bothers me for some reason. Maybe it has to do with sportscasters lauding him as college football's Gandhi, or maybe it was the over-emotional speech he gave after Florida's (sole) loss to Ole Miss, which concluded with a "God bless" and a dramatic walk away from the podium.

And what was the deal with the John 3:16 in his eye black last night? Seriously? I know he's a missionary and everything and there are kids in the Philippines (or is it Thailand?) named after him, but can we leave Jesus on the bench for the BCS Championship football game? If I were Urban Meyer, I would have wanted his pregame focus to be on converting third downs, not souls. And in terms of John 3:16: at least be original, man! Advice: Next time you want to drop some biblical knowledge on us, give us something practical--like Deuteronomy 27:23 (which warns men not to sleep with their mothers-in-law).

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

New “Idol” Host Looking Forward to Getting Wasted with Paula Abdul

Los Angeles, Calif., Jan. 7, 2009 – In a Jan. 6 interview with “Access Hollywood’s” Billy Bush, new “American Idol” host Kara DioGuardi expressed eager excitement about “getting really f*#ked up with (current “Idol” host) Paula (Abdul)” during the show’s eighth season. DioGuardi—the 38-year-old producer who has worked with such musicians as Gwen Stefani and Pink—went on to rave about Abdul’s unmatched access to prescription drugs, top-notch booze, and mega-chronic weed.

“It’s going to be a great season,” DioGuardi said, “I mean, I’m going to get paid for getting super banged up and criticizing people. It’s a dream come true. And to be able to do it with Paula Abdul… Wow.”

When reached for comment, most of Abdul’s ramblings were unintelligible. She was—however—able to semi-coherently slur, “Karen’s a really, really beautiful person” before dropping the phone.

New "American Idol" host Kara DioGuardi (second from L) helps Randy Jackson prop up Paula Abdul at a promotional event in San Diego.