Huge Particle Collider Probably Won’t Destroy the World This Summer

Geneva, Switzerland, Jan. 28, 2009 – An international team of physicists working on the Large Hadron Collider (LHC)—the world’s largest particle collider—are “like 99 percent sure” that when the device is switched on this summer, it won’t create a huge black hole that sucks up all matter around it—setting in motion a catastrophic chain of events ultimately leading to the end of the world.

“Yeah, I mean, most of our models are showing us that once the black holes are created, they’ll only last for like a second,” said physicist and project contributor Doug Lachowicz. “They probably won’t have too much time to join together and suck up matter before they peace out. Honestly, we’re really psyched to see what happens.”

The physics community at large seems to agree with Lachowicz’s assessment. Once tiny black holes are created by way of opposing particle beams fired at each other around a 17-mile track beneath the Franco-Swiss border, they will probably just disappear and not combine together, creating a large, uncontrollable black hole that swallows up everything in its path: the earth, the solar system, possibly more.

“This is huge,” said Lachowicz with a big smile on his face. “It’s completely unexplored territory. We can’t wait to fire this baby up. I’m betting that some crazy shit goes down and—using all of our instruments—we’ll be able to like study the results and learn a bunch of stuff about the universe. It’s gonna be tight.”