Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Wade Boggs Lore: True or False?

a) In 1996, Wade Boggs helped the Yankees to their first World Series title in 18 years. It was the first (and only) World Series title earned by Boggs. He memorably celebrated by jumping on the back of an NYPD horse and touring the field with His index finger in the air—despite His self-professed fear of horses.

b) Shortly after his election to the Hall of Fame, in a televised appearance Boggs refuted an urban legend that He had once consumed 64 beers on a cross-country flight from Boston to Los Angeles. He did not divulge the actual number of beers consumed, but did admit to having “a few Miller Lites.”

c) Boggs once hit a chopper to short so hard that it went back in time and was fielded by Honus Wagner... in Pittsburgh. Boggs beat the throw to first.

d) Boggs once broke up a domestic dispute at Fenway. A drunken fan was beating on his wife in the 48th row behind home plate. Boggs' keen sense of hearing picked up on the situation, and He intentionally fouled back a 1-1 split-finger fastball. The man was pronounced dead when they found his head in the peanut guy's box (thirty feet away). When Boggs was asked later if He was sorry, He responded, "Yeah, I'm sorry... Sorry I didn't hit for the cycle today."

e) Boggs ate chicken before every game (Jim Rice once called him "chicken man"), woke up at the same time every day, took exactly 150 ground balls in practice, took batting practice at 5:17, and ran sprints at 7:17.

f) During his playing days, Boggs regularly underwent exploratory surgery to confirm that He was man—not machine. During the final surgery before His retirement, they discovered that His bones were made of adamantium.

g) When asked by a female reporter during an on-camera interview why He decided to go professional in only one sport, Boggs answered, "So that I would have ample time for the ladies, of course." Immediately after answering this question, Boggs made earth-shattering love to the reporter. The resulting video went on to be the bestselling adult film of all time, and the child sired by the encounter was LeBron James.

h) Boggs claimed that His at-bats improved when longtime mistress Margo Adams attended games while not wearing underwear.

i) Recently, Boggs was late-night channel surfing when He came across an episode of "Walker Texas Ranger" on TNT. After thirty seconds, He dismissed the show as "kids stuff," threw in a VHS tape of Game 6 of the 1996 World Series, and asked one of the seven bikini-clad ladies in the room to go down on Him. Later, He went to bed and slept for three days.

j) Boggs never wanted to retire from baseball, rather; the homoeroticism directed at Him in the Devil Rays' locker room became too much for Him to handle. He now happily resides in Tampa, Florida where—for fun—He uses telekinesis to lift heavy objects.

k) Boggs drew the Hebrew word "Chai," meaning "life," in the batter's box before each at-bat, though He is not Jewish.

l) One day—many years ago—Boggs decided to purchase a Corvette. He put on his cape, flew over to the dealership, and picked out a red convertible. When asked how He wanted to pay for the car, He leaned in a whispered something in the salesman's ear. That man went on to invent the iPod (and Boggs went on to shatter the land speed record, pushing His Corvette to 764 mph while running late for batting practice one day).

m) Recently, to win a bet, Boggs called a woman back 50 years* after getting her number to see if she'd remember Him. It turned out that the woman had been dead for several years, but she answered the phone anyway, and was enthusiastic to go on a date. Though not necessarily opposed to sleeping with the un-dead, Boggs refrained in favor of going out for beers with Chris Farley, Joe DiMaggio, and Jack Arute. *Boggs is 49 years old.

n) A 2006 Gallup poll found that 3.6 million people worldwide celebrate Christmas on June 15—the day that in 1958 Boggs sprang forth from His mother. Contrary to popular belief, this was NOT a virgin birth. Approximately nine months earlier, events were set in motion that changed our world forever when Boggs' mother had irresponsible anger-sex with her then boyfriend Bruce Banner.

o) A Red Sox coach once attempted to use a radar gun to clock Boggs' bat speed. With eight weighted donuts on His bat, Boggs took a practice swing while the coach attempted to calibrate the gun. Before exploding in the coach's hand, the gun briefly flashed the infinity symbol. Boggs picked up the coach's severed hand, dusted it off, and saying, "Go in peace, my son," miraculously reattached it.

p) Boggs once impregnated a woman by calling her sexy. What's most amazing is how good she looked immediately after having a hysterectomy.

True (according to Wikipedia): a, b, e, h, and k.
False*: c, d, f, g, i, j, l, m, n, o, and p.

*As of May 14, 2008


BRN said...

I'm pretty sure i is true. I remember seeing this story reported by Matt Lauer on the 'Today Show.'

Ibuster said...

Thats hilarious. Oh good old Wade Boggs. I don't know if you know this but my parents got him to come to my Bar Mitzvah (which was a baseball theme of course). My brother and I took a picture with him, and he gave me my first beer as a man.

mjlambie said...

i was shocked to learn that any of those were true. i thought it was a false/false list. I'll never forget my 1986 Topps Wade Boggs card which was the only recognizable player i got in my first pack of baseball cards.
and wtf Phil, is that for real. I remember a baseball player went to your bar mitzvah, but wasn't it a Met?

Tobias said...

I'm going to need to see some documentation on that.

Tobias said...

This just in:

Thousands of people make a yearly pilgrimage to Omaha, Nebraska to leave a few Miller Lites outside of the hospital where Wade Anthony Boggs was born in 1958. By "a few," I--of course--mean "64." And by "hospital," I mean "top secret government genetic engineering lab."

Two years ago, Wade Boggs was approached by Vitamin Water with an endorsement opportunity, but--unfortunately--the deal never came to fruition. The project folded after months of Boggs and Glacéau scientists toiling in an underground lair to concoct a sports beverage that could properly fuel a Wade Boggs. The cocktail that they finally came up with, which included saliva from Thai cave swifts, alkaloids from a rare poison dart frog, shavings from unicorn horn, motor oil, and Miller Lite; cost more than $750 (per bottle) to produce; and was lethal to 99% of humans.