Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Delicious Football Commentators
Joe Chickentheisman
Pat Summersausageall
Jack Arutietootiefreshandfruitie
Keylimepieshawn Johnson
Ron Jaworskielbasa
Mike Tiricomisu
Steve Youngcoconutkefir
Brent Baconcheddarmusburger
Chocolate Moose Johnson
Friday, September 5, 2008
Stripper Name or Car Make?
b) Amber
c) Lexus
d) Porsche
e) Infinity
f) Chevrolet
g) Carl
Stripper Name: b, g
Car Make: f
Both: a, c, d, e
Moving on Up
As should be expected, all able-bodied friends were out of town or otherwise disposed. So this left the two of us to move. We arrived at the U-Haul place to pick up our truck at noon on Saturday. As we walked in, one of the employees in the parking lot warned us that there was “a long line in there.” We had no idea. The line weaved through piles of boxes and moving supplies—all the way around the room's perimeter. It was about 30 people deep. The people near the front of the line looked haggard and broken—like refugees. Word came back that some of them had been there for upwards of two hours.
So we waited…
Two and a half hours later, we had a truck. Luckily, we found a spot on the street outside of Natalie’s place and began the grueling process of unloading her apartment—a third floor walk-up. Once loaded up, we grabbed a quick bite and headed to the new place. I carefully guided the ten foot truck into the alley behind the building and we began the grueling process of making runs into the new apartment—a third floor walk-up. Once we unloaded the truck, I went to grab my keys, phone, and wallet off of the kitchen counter. Unfortunately, my phone (MiPhone) was nowhere to be found. That’s right; while we were doing runs from the truck to the apartment, someone brazenly walked into the building (through the propped-open door) and up into our apartment. I examined my wallet and found that my driver’s license and gym card had been taken. All of my credit cards were left behind. Bizarre. The crazy thing is that we think we saw the guy. As we were hauling something up, we heard someone coming. Not knowing whether he was a tenant or not, we excused ourselves. He ignored us and ducked into another unit’s corridor where he fake-fielded a cell phone call. This may have given him an opportunity to time how long it took us to do a run from the truck to the apartment—thus telling him how much time he would have to get in and out of our place. Later, we spoke to another one of the buildings tenants who—around the same time—had a guy come walking into her apartment. Scary.
So we continued on—over to my place where we unloaded my stuff into the truck and—later (as the sun set)—loaded it into the new building. We found a spot for the truck on the street and hit the sack.
The next day, when we went to return the truck, we saw even more desperate U-Haul patrons in a line that matched the one from the day before. We felt for them.
In the end… our place looks great!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Life's Too Short: A Case Study
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
May He Who Has Never Delivered a Taekwondo Kick to the Face in a Moment of Frustration Cast the First Stone

Let me pose this question: Who among us has never delivered a violent martial arts blow to the face of another during a moment of frustration or anger? I will admit—readers—that if I had a nickel for every person whom I have savagely attacked over even the most negligible of disagreements, I would likely have enough money to purchase Lil Wayne’s new album—Tha Carter III.
I find it hard to believe that there’s anyone out there who—in a moment of rage—has never punched a barista at Starbucks in the face, sweep kicked a DMV employee, or eye gouged an auto mechanic. And you know what? In those situations there isn’t even an Olympic bronze medal at stake (rather an Ice Vanilla Brewed coffee, a new driver's license, or rear brake pads to replace the ones that appear to be working JUST FINE)!
It seems to me that once the initial shock of Matos’ regrettable lapse of self-control dissipates, we will all see a glimmer of ourselves in him. Deep down, we all just want everyone else in the world to be sympathetic to our side of the story. We want people to listen to us—to hear us out. And if they aren’t willing to accommodate our demands—no matter how ridiculous they may seem—I find it hard to say that they shouldn’t be karate chopped in the throat.
Something to think about…
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Alison Poole: Rielle or Fake
Rielle Hunter—the woman who was banging out Sen. John Edwards as his wife battled cancer (and may or may not have bore him an illegit son)—used to date author Jay McInerney (Bright Lights, Big City)? Woah.
Apparently, McInerney based a character on her—Alison Poole—for his book Story of My Life. Alison Poole is painted as a cokehead who is morally casual with rich and powerful men. Further, McInerney’s friend Bret Easton Ellis uses the character Alison Poole in two of his books—among them the disturbing portrait of 1980s excess: American Psycho. Even in the film American Psycho, Poole is mentioned. One of Patrick Bateman's soon-to-be-victims says something along the lines of "If you had platinum card, she'd give you a (*bleep*)." Yikes.
So I guess we shouldn’t be too surprised to see Hunter lay down with Edwards—the smooth-drawling senator who made bank as a hotshot trial lawyer in the early 80s. I’d just peg her as being more into Republicans.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Michael Phelps: You Make the Call
B) This photo of U.S. Olympic swimmer (Phelps' teammate) Aaron Peirsol:

C) This Googled image of a dolphin leaping out of the water:
