You Know the One...

Do you ever have that dream where you're visiting an old friend in Boston, and you're hanging out on his high-rise balcony enjoying the view of the city when all of a sudden the city comes under attack by aliens and you flee down into the extensive below-ground area of the building, and you find out that the aliens have infiltrated the building and are infecting people zombie-style, and then the next thing you know you're in a group--including President-elect Obama--that makes it into what you think is a "safe room," and the president-elect takes to a stage in the front of the room--flanked by some of his key staffers--in order to address the group, and then it becomes eerily apparent that he and his staffers have become infected, and the song "Thriller" comes on and the president-elect and his team break into an MJesque choreographed dance, and then you resign yourself to the idea of being a zombie and allow the person standing next to you to chop your head off with a sword?

Me too!

Good GREF

One of my buddies, Jeremy Bauman (pictured below), had his Peace Corps service in Georgia interrupted because of the August South Ossetia war. His hometown of Gori was right in the middle of the conflict. From the balcony of his house, Jeremy could hear and see the bombing occurring less than 20 kilometers away. After his evacuation, Gori was heavily bombed and occupied by Russian and Ossetian forces.

After spending three weeks in Armenia, Jeremy and Kelly, another Peace Corps Volunteer in Gori, returned to try to help their community recover. After talking with the Rector of Gori University, they learned that more than half of the 1,500 students, mostly from low-income families from the villages in the war zone and Gori, could not pay their tuition because of destroyed livelihoods. In response, Jeremy and Kelly started the Gori Regional Education Fund (GREF), a legally-registered NGO in Georgia. GREF awards scholarships to these affected students. Students must complete an application, submit a CV, and have an interview. Scholarships will be awarded on Dec. 8.

Believe it or not, one semester's tuition is only $532 per student, so even small donations help.

If you are able, there are a couple of ways to donate:

1) Using a credit or debit card: GREF has set up a custodial PayPal account to collect donations from the USA. To make a donation, please end an email to info@gorifund.org, and indicate the amount you wish to donate. You will receive--via email--a request link that takes you directly to GREF's PayPal account. From there, you just follow the instructions.

2) Using a check: To make a tax-deductible donation to GREF, you can write a check to GREF's fiscal sponsor in the United States, "The Megobari Foundation"--a registered non-profit. Checks must be made out to "The Megobari Foundation" with "GREF" written clearly on the notes line.

Checks can be mailed to:

The Megobari Foundation
PNC Bank
1900 Greentree Road
Cherry Hill, NJ 08003

To learn more, visit GREF's Web site at http://www.gorifund.org/ or email Jeremy or GREF at info@gorifund.org.

GREF Assistant Director Jeremy Bauman at a Nov. 22 GREF fundraiser in Arlington, Va.

PHUD: Dog House Foreclosures Continue to Rise

WAVERLY, Iowa, November 21, 2008 - As the market continues to dip, more and more U.S. dogs are facing dog house foreclosure. According to the U.S. Department of Pet Housing and Urban Development (PHUD), since September more than 15,000 K-9s have lost their dog houses.

The Midwest seems to be feeling the sharpest sting. Dash, a four-year-old golden retriever in Waverly, Iowa, who recently sired a litter of six, says the rough market and a too-good-to-be-true adjustable rate mortgage, or ARM loan, is to blame. “Yeah, in 2005, I was like, ‘I can get into this house today! This is too good to be true!’ Now I see that, yeah… it was.”

In early August, Dash suffered a nail clipping injury to his left hind paw and subsequently lost his job—chasing cars on West Bremer Avenue between 7th and 8th Streets. His employer offered no disability nor severance, and his family’s modest savings quickly evaporated.

“It was tough,” say Dash’s bitch Sadie. “He was gimping around the yard all day, tail between his legs. Pathetic.”

PHUD Secretary Mallory Balloon hypothesizes that the situation will improve along with the economy, but suggests that—in the interim—people can help dogs like Dash by enthusiastically and repeatedly asking, “Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?”

Photo courtesy of Dash's family's family archives.

Shiver My Timbers: Pirates are Back on the Scene

MONTEGO BAY, JAMAICA, November 20, 2008 – A recent rash of ship seizures perpetrated by pirates around the Horn of Africa is causing detrimental damage to the world’s plundered booty and buried treasure markets. In the past few weeks, the number of attacked and/or seized ships in the waters of the Indian Ocean has skyrocketed. Giant sloops flying skull-and-crossed-sword flags seem to be specifically targeting transports carrying chests full of gold doubloons, bejeweled artifacts, and other shiny wares.

“It’s getting ridiculous,” says Captain Sian Woolsey, who runs “Best Booty”—a totally legitimate treasure shipping business. “I used to be able to move ships loaded with treasure from Bantaeng to Les Cayes with no problems whatsoever. Now I’m staring down the barrel of having to send my fleet around the Cape of Good Hope; and that’s not cheap.”

The burden associated with burgeoning treasure shipping costs is—unfortunately—being passed on to consumers. In the last week, the cost of jewel-studded gold crowns shot up by more than 20 percent. Experts foresee the gold doubloon significantly slumping on the international market.

“Something has to be done,” says Cpt. Woolsey, “Too much treasure is falling into pirate hands. Too many hard working men are getting a one-way ticket to Davy Jones’ Locker.”

In a recent press conference, U.S. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Michael Mullen addressed the situation directly, “I mean—tactically—we are dealing with sophisticated bands of highly skilled swashbucklers. Depending on the situation, the pirates will either begin firing their cannons from far away, hoping to provoke a white flag surrender; or they will approach targets silently through creepy dense fog and stealthily board by swinging from ropes clenching knives between their teeth.”

Nobody Knows Hot Kids Better Than Forbes.com

Earlier this month, Forbes.com released a top-ten list of Hollywood's hottest tots. Suri Cruise, the daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, topped the list.

In related news, PedophileDigest.com is targeting early December for the release of its list of "Wall Street's 10 Hottest CEOs."

Al-Qaeda Calls Obama a "House Negro"

A recent Internet message, supposedly sent from Ayman al-Zawahiri, al Qaeda's second-in-command, calls President-elect Barack Obama a "house negro."

Yikes. Not cool, al Qaeda.

I think this can be interpreted in one of two ways:

1. Al Qaeda is mixed up and has forgotten that our president-elect is a member of the Senate.


2. Al Qaeda is confusing President-elect Obama with Omar Epps.

"E" for Effort; "T" for Nice Try

A big thank-you is due to everyone who participated in the most recent poll (right). Unfortunately, no one was able to come up with the correct response: eight. I was thinking of the number eight.

Report: Women are Not Getting Enough Vitamin D

A very important and prestigious medical journal recently released a study finding that most women in the U.S. are not getting enough Vitamin D. Vitamin D deficiency has been linked to such illnesses as breast cancer, heart disease, and multiple sclerosis.

In order to increase awareness of this possibly growing problem, I took to the streets of Washington D.C. with a fanny pack full of Vitamin D supplement samples. On a Saturday night, I decided to walk up and down 18th Street in the hopping Adams Morgan neighborhood of D.C. (during prime bar hours). My mission: to let the women of D.C. know that they need more Vitamin D (and that I have some for them—for FREE). Unexpectedly, I got a lot of pushback. I don’t know if D.C. women are in denial about their inadequate Vitamin D intake, but they certainly weren’t receptive to my offer.

Here are some snippets of my interactions:

“Excuse me; did you know that you’re probably not getting enough Vitamin D?”
“Ewww… Get away from me…”

“Pardon me, honey; how would you like some free Vitamin D? I’ve got some right here.” (*Pointing to fanny pack*)
“Gross…”

“Good evening. How would you like some Vitamin D tonight?”
“I’m going to pass.”
“I’m thinking about your breasts.”
“What?!”
“Vitamin D will keep them healthy… I…”
“Leave me alone.”
“But I’ve got some right here…” (*Reaching into fanny pack*)
“She said leave her alone, man!”

Eventually, the gentleman-suitor of one of the women I approached decided to attack me. He punched me in the ear and I had to take a cab home. I guess no good deed goes unpunished.

Batman: Superhero or Turkish City?

CNN is reporting that the city of Batman in southeastern Turkey is planning to sue Dark Night director Christopher Nolan for using its name without permission. The city—situated near the banks of the Batman River (in the Batman Province)—claims that it owns the rights to the name. No word yet on whether the Turkish cities of Superman, Daredevil, or High School Musical 3: Senior Year plan on pursuing similar lawsuits.

Product Review: 5-Hour Energy

OH MY GOD!!! Have you tried this stuff!? It’s incredible!!! It’s… It’s… I tried it for the first time last week and it DEFINITELY WORKS!!! At first I just drank half a bottle to avoid the niacin flush, which turns my face all red, but then I started drinking it a bottle at a time and then I found out that you can buy it in bulk in packs of like… like… six or twelve… and sometimes I drink like three a day even though the package says to limit yourself to two… I JUST CAN’T HELP IT!!! I’ve been incredibly productive at work and just buzz around getting things done!!! I guess it’s all of the B vitamin that they pack into this guy… I mean it says that it only has as much caffeine as a “cup of the leading premium coffee.” I wonder what they mean by a “cup of the leading premium coffee…” Are they talking about Starbucks or stuff you make at home? Maybe Maxwell House? Possibly Folgers?! I don’t know!!! But since 5-Hour Energy can only give me as much caffeine as one cup of coffee, I usually supplement each shot with one or two Red Bulls so that I… I… I mean, IT’S INCREDIBLE!!! I feel great and I feel like I’m just burning calories sitting right here at my desk. My feet are tapping; I’m going through piece after piece of Orbitz gum; I’m writing this; I’m on the phone with AT&T settling a problem with my cell phone bill; I’ve got like 75 windows open on my computer!!! There’s this voice in my head that’s just screaming “GO! GO! GO!” And I am GOING!!! I mean… It’s… It’s… AAAAAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!! I can’t explain it!!! You have to try it!!! GO TRY IT!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Who Said it: A Three-toed Sloth or Sloth from the 1985 film 'The Goonies'?

1. “Hey, you guys!"
2. “Ahh-eeee!”
3. “Sloth!”
4. “Aaaaaahhhhhhh!”
5. “Sloth love Chunk!”
6. “Rocky… road?”
7. “Eeee-Ahh-eeee!”
8. “Ruth! Ruth! Baby! Ruth!”
9. “Ahh… Ay! Ay!”

Three-toed Sloth: 2, 7, 9
Sloth from the 1985 film The Goonies: 1, 3, 5, 6, 8
Both: 4