Shiver My Timbers: Pirates are Back on the Scene

MONTEGO BAY, JAMAICA, November 20, 2008 – A recent rash of ship seizures perpetrated by pirates around the Horn of Africa is causing detrimental damage to the world’s plundered booty and buried treasure markets. In the past few weeks, the number of attacked and/or seized ships in the waters of the Indian Ocean has skyrocketed. Giant sloops flying skull-and-crossed-sword flags seem to be specifically targeting transports carrying chests full of gold doubloons, bejeweled artifacts, and other shiny wares.

“It’s getting ridiculous,” says Captain Sian Woolsey, who runs “Best Booty”—a totally legitimate treasure shipping business. “I used to be able to move ships loaded with treasure from Bantaeng to Les Cayes with no problems whatsoever. Now I’m staring down the barrel of having to send my fleet around the Cape of Good Hope; and that’s not cheap.”

The burden associated with burgeoning treasure shipping costs is—unfortunately—being passed on to consumers. In the last week, the cost of jewel-studded gold crowns shot up by more than 20 percent. Experts foresee the gold doubloon significantly slumping on the international market.

“Something has to be done,” says Cpt. Woolsey, “Too much treasure is falling into pirate hands. Too many hard working men are getting a one-way ticket to Davy Jones’ Locker.”

In a recent press conference, U.S. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Michael Mullen addressed the situation directly, “I mean—tactically—we are dealing with sophisticated bands of highly skilled swashbucklers. Depending on the situation, the pirates will either begin firing their cannons from far away, hoping to provoke a white flag surrender; or they will approach targets silently through creepy dense fog and stealthily board by swinging from ropes clenching knives between their teeth.”