President Obama Raps New Budget Blueprint to the Tune of Jay-Z’s Album "The Blueprint"

WASHINGTON, D.C., Feb. 26, 2009 – This morning, before the White House press corps, President Obama unveiled a more than $3 trillion budget plan by rapping it to the tune of Jay-Z’s seminal album “The Blueprint.” As the president delivered his flow—which included scorching hot lyrics targeting health care, education, and renewable energy—hard copies of the 140-page plan were distributed to Congress.

When asked after the performance as to whether he’ll be releasing another “Blueprint” or proceeding directly to a comprehensive plan—tentatively dubbed “The Barack Album”—the president said that he isn’t quite sure, but has even considered walking away from the game altogether for a while and then coming back—seemingly out of nowhere—with a ridiculously hot budget plan.

Tracks on the president’s new budget blueprint included, “The Ruler’s Black,” “Bank Takeover,” “U Don’t Know (How Bad America Needs Affordable Health Care),” and “All I Need (is Bipartisan Support to Fund Education Reform).”

Sad Clown Frowning on the Outside but Laughing Maniacally on the Inside

Mumbai Shopkeeper the Only Person within a Hundred-Mile Radius Who was Pulling for 'Milk'

Source: Had Mickey Rourke Won the Oscar, He Planned to Die on Stage

Goodbye, Old Friend

You know…

They say you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet.

Today I learned that you have to tear down a huge tree in the courtyard of the Washington Hilton to crowd in a new building.

One on One with 'Slumdog Millionaire' Star Dev Patel

TOBY OR NOT TOBY: Dev, thanks a lot for taking time out to talk with us.
DEV PATEL: No problem.
TONT: So… Wow... Slumdog Millionaire's up for, what, ten Oscars this year?
DP: Yes, ten. We’re really excited that so many people are responding to the film.
TONT: I bet. When you read the script and agreed to be a part of the project, did you have any idea that it would see this kind of critical acclaim?
DP: Honestly, no. I thought it was a great script and I was excited to work with Danny Boyle, but I didn't...
TONT: I mean, let’s be honest, the movie isn’t that good.
DP: I'm sorry?
TONT: You know what I mean... It’s kind of got that cheesy, manipulative, rags-to-riches thing going on. It’s kind of... I don’t know… Impotent.
DP: I’m not sure I know what you mean… I...
TONT: Well, the love story is kind of hackneyed and the whole fable is a little too cutesy.
DP: ...
TONT: Did you see The Wrestler? That was sick. Rourke’s performance is off the chain. (The Curious Case of) Benjamin Button was ok I guess. I felt like, going in, I knew what was going to happen, but I still had to pay $10 to sit there for almost three hours and actually see it happen. It was like watching a really long trailer. You know what I’m saying? And I haven’t seen Milk yet, but I’m really fired up to check it out. I heard it’s really good. Maybe I’ll do that this weekend if the weather's bad. Do you ever go to the movies when the weather's good? I do that sometimes and it makes me feel kind of guilty—like I’m not making the most of a good day. But, it’s like, sometimes I’d rather go see a movie than throw around a Frisbee or something, you know?
DP: ...
TONT: Do you play Ultimate? I have a lot of friends who are really into it. It seems kind of nerdy to me. I don’t really know why, but whenever I walk past a field and I see a bunch of bandana-headed dudes playing, I’m always like, “Man, those guys are losers.” You don’t get that with many other sports. Ultimate’s like the Dungeons and Dragons of athletic activities.
DP: ...
TONT: ...
DP: ...
TONT: Dev, man, thanks so much for chatting with us.
DP: ...

Area Squirrel Not Sure He Likes the Way You're Looking at His Treat

Kansas Man Glad He Wasn’t There for Coworker Reenacted Story Ending with “Guess you’d have to be there”

Overland Park, KAN., Feb. 13, 2009 – Software engineer Ken Riesling is really glad that he wasn’t at coworker Stu Templeton’s house last night for charades. This morning, in Riesling’s office, Templeton provided a 35-minute recap of the evening, highlighted by a story about how his neighbor's wife had to act out “integrity.”

“It was hilarious,” said an animated Templeton, “She was marching around the room with this stern look on her face. She had no clue what to do! People were shouting, ‘Soldier! Parade! Uh… Superman!’ So funny! She was totally hung out to dry. And, man, did she get frustrated. We all just cracked up until the buzzer went off. It was like… Man… Guess you’d have to be there.”

At press time, Riesling expressed concern that he was going to have to stay late tonight to catch up on some work, which he later admitted is not too big a deal since he doesn’t have any plans for the evening or--for that matter--the weekend.

Favre: "No matter what happens, nobody will ever be able to take away that magical season where I almost led the Jets to the playoffs."

College Student Orders Shots Using Parent-Funded "Emergency" Credit Card

Bird Scientists Continue to Develop Technology to Prevent Airplane Strikes

Dr. Drake Quacksworth at the Orlando Migratory Institute (OMI) is a pioneer in airplane deterrent techniques.

OMI scientists develop strategies and new technologies to frighten airplanes out of birds' paths.

Construction Worker Accidentally Admits to Having Seen "Brokeback Mountain"

SCHAUMBURG, ILL., Feb. 9, 2009 – This past Friday, construction worker Brennan O’Malley accidentally admitted to his coworkers that he has seen the film Brokeback Mountain—director Ang Lee’s Oscar-winning tale of forbidden cowboy man-love. The shocking revelation came during the crew’s lunch break as they discussed Heath Ledger’s impressively unsettling turn as the Joker in 2008’s The Dark Night. O’Malley submitted to his coworkers that while Ledger’s portrayal of the Joker was—in fact—Oscar-worthy, it was "nothing compared to the depth and emotional subtlety he showed as Ennis Del Mar in Brokeback Mountain."

“I always knew there was something off about O’Malley,” said coworker Nick Fleming. “I mean, us guys pack our lunch pails every day and this kid drives off for 40 minutes looking for the nearest Cosi… or Panera Bread."

According to O'Malley: "I mean, yeah, I've flipped past it on HBO a couple times... and once it was on in the background at my friend Antoine's house, but I haven't seen it start to finish. I've mostly just heard about how good Ledger was in it."

In the wake of the admission, O’Malley’s coworkers have noticed that he seems to be going out of his way to point out even the most vaguely impressive physical features of women passing by the site.

I Guess That Means He's a Fan

My good buddy Bill’s son, Henry, was born on December 17. I decided that an appropriate gift would be a bib celebrating the awesomeness of our Alma mater—Marquette University. Bill’s wife, Abby, reports that within minutes of putting it on, Henry put it to use.

Facebook Celebrates Its Fifth Birthday

THE INTERNET, Feb. 5, 2009 - Yesterday, Facebook—the Web’s largest social networking site—celebrated its fifth birthday.

After skipping out of work early, Facebook met up with MySpace, Bebo, and LinkedIn for happy hour. They cranked half-price Miller Lites and enjoyed a “Friday's Pick Three for All” appetizer platter at T.G.I. Friday’s before heading over to Fuddruckers for some burgers. Later, they popped back over to T.G.I. Friday’s to check out the scene. MySpace bought a round of SoCo Limes, which resulted in Bebo throwing up. After gaining some courage from a round of Red Bull Vodkas, the group unsuccessfully tried to move in on a table of college coeds who weren’t really feeling it. At the end of the night—after spending 45 minutes in the cold waiting for cabs—the group said its goodnights. Facebook crashed at MySpace’s place, and LinkedIn had to take care of Bebo.

This morning, the gang spent the first hour of their respective workdays posting/tagging pictures and aggressively writing on walls about how awesome Facebook’s birthday was.